"A self-made man?" - "Yes - and worships his creator."
"Criminal Lawyer" is redundant.
"Easy credit terms available." - Satan
"Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do." -- Voltaire
"Get a clue!" - "Can I have yours, then, since you're not using it?"
"Good Morning," is an opinion, not a greeting
"I came, I saw, I ran like Hell."
"I'm a lawyer." - "Honest?" - "No, the usual kind."
"Is your head clear?" - "No, it's opaque."
"No, Joseph, honest! I never had sex with anyone else!" - Mary
"You're wrong!" - "I am never wrong!" - "You're wrong again!"
"Yes, that's right!" - "I hear you can tell the future?"
99% Responsibility doesn't work.
A big mouth travels far and fast.
A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is he tells you.
A celebrity is a person who is known for well-knownness.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A coward mistakes oppression for peace.
A fight to the death with a zombie has a few inherent problems.
A filing cabinet is where papers get lost alphabetically.
A fool and his party are soon elected.
A good scare is better than good advice.
A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
A guy walked into a bar. He was treated for minor injories.
A laugh is a smile that bursts.
A lot of help at the wrong time adds up to nothing.
A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.
A Penny saved is a Congressional oversight
A person who isn't making waves isn't paddling hard enough.
A person who thinks logically and rationally is a nice contrast to the real world.
A pessimist has no motor, an optimist no brakes.
A room temperature IQ isn't bad... if you measure in Kelvin
A synonym is the word you use when you can't spell the other one.
A true friend is one soul in two bodies.
A true friend walks in when everyone else leaves.
A truthful politician is like a fish that can't swim.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its written on.
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse
Accuracy: The vice of being right.
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
After two weeks of dieting, all you lose is two weeks.
All great truths began as blasphemies.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
All stressed out, and no one to choke.
Always listen to experts. They tell you why it can't be done, then do it.
Always put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
Always use tasteful words, you might have to eat them later.
An optimist invented the airplane; a pessimist the parachute.
An optimist is a guy without much experience.
An ounce of luck is worth a ton of skill.
And God said, "No, a Bud Light!"
And on the seventh day, God said, "It's Miller time!"
Anger is one letter short of danger.
Any family tree produces some lemons, nuts and bad apples.
Anything worth doing is worth getting someone else to do.
As easy as 3.141592653589793238
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Be alert...the world needs more lerts.
Be careful who you use big words around, someone may understand them.
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
Before you start on the road to revenge, dig two graves.
Being absolutely sure of yourself is the most reliable way to be absolutely wrong.
Better a coward for a minute than dead forever.
Better to limp all the way to heaven than to not arrive.
Bisexuality doubles your chance for a date.
Blow your mind, smoke gunpowder.
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of grown men.
Bravery is being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway.
Build bridges instead of walls and you will have a friend.
Bulldozer: One who can sleep through a campaign speech...
Bumper sticker seen on Toyota Corolla: "My other car is a real ota !"
Bumper Sticker: "Honk if you're illiterate"
Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways.
Call the narcotics squad, 175 pounds of dope just walked in!
Can a hundred thousand lemmings all be wrong?
Can you open your mind without it falling out?
Can you use an AM radio in the afternoon?
Capitalism: Man exploiting man. Socialism: The reverse.
Cat philosophy - when in doubt cop an attitude!
Catastrophes to others are everyday events to me.
Cats are not pets, they own the house and let you live there.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't teach a cat to pull a sled.
Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
Cats, proof that eating and sleeping isn't all bad.
Cheating is a shortcut to the answer that bypasses understanding.
Cheating: Collective information exchange
Children: A sexually transmitted disease.
"Cigarette?" "No thanks, I'm not into suicide."
Circular logic will only get you dizzy.
Coincidence: God's way of remaining anonymous.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Common sense isn't.
Computer: A device designed to automate and speed up errors.
Computer: A device designed to drive human beings insane.
Computers are 100% logical.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
Confucius says: Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion!
Confucius say: Boy who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
Coward: One who thinks with his legs.
Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs... God, I love Congress.
Criminal: One who gets caught.
Diplomacy - Thinking twice before saying nothing.
Do agnostics go to the Great Perhaps when they die?
Do artificial plants need artificial water?
Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep until noon.
Don't kiss ass, Kick it!
Don't let your brains go to your head.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!
Don't look back, I think the lemmings are gaining on us!
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it.
Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
Eat any good books lately?
Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
Emergency repair procedure #1: Kick it.
Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.
Even a pioneer has to follow someone else's trail. - "What about the first pioneers?" - "They were idiots!"
Events of importance often result from trivial causes.
Every person you meet knows something you don't.
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year.
Everyone lives by selling something.
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
Experience comes from bad judgment.
Feel good? don't worry, you'll get over it.
First rule of marriage: If you're right, apologize fast.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For the millionth time, don't exaggerate!
Four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant and Microwavable!
Genius: One who can do anything except earn a living.
Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.
Give me ambiguity! Or not!
Glory is fleeting, obscurity is forever.
God must love stupid people; He made so many of them.
God pulled an all-nighter on the sixth day.
God's last name is not "Dammit".
Good idea: Playing the piano. Bad idea: Playing the piano in a marching band.
Good leaders are scarce; Follow yourself.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Happiness: A computer without WINDOWS!
Hard work never killed anyone but why take a risk?
Have you clubbed an ignorant human today?
He died of lead poisoning... High velocity lead poisoning.
He is truly wise who can learn from a bad example.
He who laughs last... thinks slowest.
He who wakes up finding himself a success, hasn't slept.
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
Hire a teenager while they still know it all.
Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
How can Superman pursue truth, justice, and the American Way all at once?
How do I set my Laser Printer to "Stun"?
How you look depends on who is looking.
I ain't too old to hurry, 'cause I ain't too young to die...
I am always exact and precise (more or less).
I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I am McMahon of the Borg, you may already be assimilated
I am solidly behind whichever side eventually wins.
I asked my Dr. "Well, how do I stand?" He said "That's what puzzles me."
I bought powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I can't find the "ANY" key.
I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.
I didn't throw it, I dropped it over a long distance.
I don't have a solution but I really admire the problem.
I don't mind smog...I like to see what I breathe.
I don't want it now, I want it RIGHT now!
I drank beer once but didn't swallow
I feel more like I do now than I did a while ago.
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
I have an attitude... and I know how to use it!
I have to think twice before I give it a second thought.
I have willpower, I just won't use it.
I imagine, therefore I might be.
I just saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
I just saw two of my ex-girlfriends on Oprah. One had become a man. The other was dating him.
I just snag them, I don't write them.
I just took an IQ test. The results were negative.
I may be fat but you're ugly and I can diet.
I may be stupid, but that still makes me smarter than you.
I need a drink...where's the SPACE BAR?
I played poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and five people died.
I promise not to let it happen again - until next time.
I refuse a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
I saw a light at the end of the tunnel - it was a train.
I shot an arrow into the air, and it got stuck.
I think ... therefore, I am overqualified.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
I tried snorting coke ... and almost DROWNED!
I tried switching to nicotine gum but couldn't keep it lit.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I was just getting used to yesterday when tomorrow came.
I was on a roll until I slipped on the butter.
I wasn't driving fast, just flying low!
I went insane trying to take a close up picture of the horizon
I wired my dryer backwards, now it spits out extra socks.
I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If at 1st you don't succeed, skydiving's not for you
If at first you don't succeed, blame everyone else.
If at first you don't succeed, tell the authorities THAT GUY did it.
If at first you don't succeed, you're about average.
If bankers can count, why do they have eight windows and four tellers?
If cats could talk, they'd remind us that their ancestors ate ours.
If God didn't love procrastinators, why did He invent tomorrow?
If I'm not back in five minutes... Wait longer!
If it aint broke, it aint mine
If it ain't broke, let me have a shot at it.
If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all!
If it's stupid and it works, it ain't stupid.
If lying were illegal, who'd be left to run the country?
If my ears aren't bleeding, it isn't too loud.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If someone with multiple personality disorder threatens to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situaton?
If swearing was a crime, America would be a penal colony.
If there isn't a fight, a lawyer will start one.
If there's more than one answer, it's not a stupid question.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If you and your partner always agree, one of you is unnecessary.
If you aren't leaning, no one will let you down.
If you can't be famous, try infamous.
If you can't beat 'em, cheat 'em!
If you look at the world with 3D glasses do you get 4D?
If you run around like a chicken with your head off, you will think like one.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments.
If you think something outside of yourself is the cause of your problem, you will look outside of yourself for the answer.
If your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
If you're going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
Ignorant? Ha! I don't know the meaning of the word!
I'll have one brain on drugs with a side order of bacon, please.
I'll let anyone borrow my lawn mower as long as they keep it in my yard.
I'm already as old as my parents were when they were my age.
I'm going to be assertive...If that's OK with you.
I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?
I'm Jewish and Catholic - Twice the guilt.
I'm not a perfectionist, I just have a strict sense of quality control.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right!
I'm not short, you have a visual perceptual problem!
I'm sure we can talk things out like uncivilized people.
I'm young for my age.
In this world, there are three kinds of people: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what the heck happened.
Incongruous: Where the hot air in the U.S. is produced.
Indecision may or may not be my problem.
Information is hard to get. Using it is even harder.
Insanity is not a disease - it's a priviledge.
Instant Human: Just add coffee.
Instruction manuals are written for the English, but never IN English
IRS: How much did you make last year? Please remit same.
Is there a lawyer in the house? BANG! Any more?
It ain't over until Rosanne Barr sings.
It doesn't work, but it looks pretty.
It has been proven that life is the leading cause of death.
It looks like an optical illusion, but it isn't.
It's always darkest before you step on the cat.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's not difficult, just tedious. But to a person with no patience, there's no difference.
I've got a good memory. It's just short!
I've had amnesia as long as I can remember...
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an ass.
Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.
Junkie smokes hemp pants. Film at 11.
Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Jury: Twelve people too dumb to get out of jury duty.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Klingons: The Harley Riders of the Universe
Lack of practice makes lack of perfect.
Lawyer: Larval stage of politician
Lead, Follow, or get the hell out of my way!
Learn that which you can't experience. Experience that which you can't learn.
Life is a journey, not a destination.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp it.
Life is like......an analogy.
Life is not a "paint-by-number."
Limericks are not my choice of verse. Rhyming three lines is torture- the worst! Two lines are fine, I do that all the time, But making the last line rhyme is just completely out of the question. 
Limit Politicians to 2 terms... 1 in Office, 1 in Jail.
Lite salad dressing: 500 Island.
Live as though it were your last day on earth. Some day you'll be right.
Lorena Bobbitt is the new spokesperson for GINSU knifes!
Lost gold may be found, lost time, never.
Love your enemies. They'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
Love: To place our happiness in the happiness of another.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Make it idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was surprised.
Math illiteracy affects eight of every five people.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
Most people keep the lesson but throw away the experience.
My answer is Maybe, and that's final!
My boss is temperamental. 50% temper and 50% mental.
My goal is to live forever... So far so good.
MY kids give a whole NEW meaning to "child abuse."
My last cow just died, so I don't need your bull anymore.
My reality check just bounced.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Never argue with anything scaly and ten times bigger than you.
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Never be certain of anything. It's a sign of weakness.
Never call a man a fool, borrow money from him.
Never confuse moving fast with going somewhere.
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist.
Never judge a book by its movie.
Never miss a good opportunity to shut your face.
Never say that a meeting will be "brief", you will only prolong it.
Never trust a bald barber.
Next life, I'm getting script approval.
Next time I send a damn fool, I'll go myself
Next time you wave at me use more than one finger.
No one can think clearly with clenched fists.
No one does as much harm as one going about doing good.
Nobody is as deaf as those who choose not to hear.
Not completely crazy but working on it!
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
Nothing is perfect.
Nothing is so simple that it can't be screwed up.
O.J. now dating Lorena Bobbitt. CNN getting ready.
Officer, the stop sign was green when I went through it!
Old heroes never die, they reappear in sequels.
One lawyer can steal more than a hundred armed men.
One minute of shut mouth is worth one hour of explanation.
One seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Oxymoron: Cost Effective
Oxymoron: Easy-open package
Oxymoron: Holy Hell
Paradigm: 20 Cents
Pardon me. I find your existence offensive; please die.
Part Time Job, full time pay, generous benefits: The U.S. Senate
People who believe that something can't be done will go out and prove themselves right.
People who can't face reality turn to drugs; People who can't face drugs turn to reality.
People who think they know everything annoy those of us who do.
Pi... Proof that God has a sense of humor.
Pity a donkey with an IQ of 138. Nobody likes a smart ass.
Politically Correct: A new way of saying "Holier than Thou"
POLITICS: Poly = "Many"; Tics = "Blood-sucking parasites"
President of a word association
Procrastination is the fault most people put off correcting.
Psychic Meeting canceled due to foreseen circumstances.
Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
Quick! Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Quick!...What's another word for thesaurus?
Real Programmers have keyboard dents in their foreheads.
Reality is an illusion caused by lack of LSD.
Retreat, hell! We're just fighting in another direction.
Scientific experiments cause cancer in rats.
Seen on hacker's tombstone: CONNECT 1963, NO CARRIER 1993
Sex is hereditary. If your parents didn't, chances are you won't either.
She can go from zero to bitch in 2.1 seconds.
Sign at the edge of the Universe: Staff only, beyond this point.
Sign at Wizard's Guild: Violators will be toad.
Sign on fence: SALESMEN WELCOME. DOG FOOD IS EXPENSIVE.
Skill is a poor substitute for luck.
Sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine.
So many lawyers, so few bullets.
So much to do, so little desire to do it.
So simple a child could do it... go find me a child.
Some are wise; others are otherwise....
Some days you're the bug, some days the windshield.
Some politicians have a price. Some have a bargain sale.
Sometimes a majority means that all the fools are on one side.
Sorry, can't think of an insult stupid enough for you.
Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.
Stealing is illegal; the IRS hates competition.
Stop Global Warming: Tape Rush Limbaugh's Mouth Shut!
Stupidity is generally it's own punishment.
Success is a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
Success is the best revenge.
Suicidal twin kills brother by mistake.
Support Free Trade... Smuggle!
Support the Arts - shoot a rapper.
Tact is the ability to close your mouth before somebody else wants you to.
We can tell Americans trust in God by the way they drive.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Teamwork gives you someone else to blame.
Telephone poles only hit cars in self defense.
Tell them I'm coming and I'm bringing hell with me!
That was a pointing device? My cat thought it was dinner.
The answer to all questions about management is "Because they're stupid!!"
The Ark was built by amatures and the Titanic by experts.
The best defense against logic is stubbornness.
The best defense against logic is stupidity.
The best substitute for brains is silence.
The best way to get ahead is to use the one you've got.
The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
The biggest lie on the planet: "When I get what I want I'll be happy."
The difference between a brilliant idea and a stupid idea is that one works. "... and people listen to the other one."
The foolish and the dead never change their opinion. 
The future isn't what it used to be.
The Future: Some Assembly Required
The majority is not always right. Democracy proves this.
The mind can only absorb what the seat can endure.
The only chance I get to talk is while my wife inhales.
The pain pill didn't work, I feel great.
The trouble with kittens is that eventually they turn into cats.
The trouble with 'normal' is that it always gets worse.
The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
The trouble with reality is, there's no background music.
The trouble with the rat race is if you win, you're still a rat.
The truth will set you free, but it might piss you off first.
The two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen and Stupidity
The Two Rules of Success: 1. Don't tell everything you know.
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
There is a theory that if you give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters they will eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare. The Internet is proof that this theory is wrong.
There is no right way to do a wrong thing.
There is no such thing as a wrong answer... Just the right answer to the wrong question.
There's one good thing about your life. I'm a part of it.
There's too much sax and violins in classical music
Things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Think you're confused? Wait until I explain it.
This country needs more unemployed politicians.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
To a cat, "NO!" means "Not while I'm looking."
To avoid seeing a fool, break your mirror.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research.
Trust in God, but lock your car.
Truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
Vegetarian: Ancient native word meaning "lousy hunter"!
Vegetarians eat vegetables. Beware of humanitarians.
Waiter, I'll have what the guy writhing on the floor had.
Wanted Dead or Alive: Pink Rabbit With Drum
War never decides who is right, only who is left.
War. Such a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
WAR: We Are Right
Wastebasket: Something to throw things near.
We are immortal until we die.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
We can tell Americans trust in God by the way they drive.
We have met the enemy, and they are us!
We have two ears and one tongue, use them in that proportion.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.
We're all in the same boat. It's the ignorant people who rock the boat that keep it from reaching its destination.
We've come a long way since the world was flat.
We've replaced the Dilithium with new Folger's Crystals!
What good is a large vocabulary if no one understands what you're saying?
What has 24 legs and an IQ of 36? The OJ jury.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What time is it at the North Pole?
What's my problem? Having a problem's my problem!
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
When everyone thinks alike, no one is thinking.
When in doubt, run in circles and scream.
When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
When the going gets tough, the smart get lost.
When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you. - Lao-Tzu
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you sling mud, you lose ground.
When your head is in the sand, your behind is a target.
When you're talking to God, you're praying. When God is talking to you, you're schitzophrenic (sp?)
Where a mind is closed, truth cannot enter.
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
Which way up does a buttered cat land?
White supremists are willing to die for their cause... So kill them.
Who's more foolish? The fool, or the fool who follows him?
Why did CNN cancel that cool "Desert Storm" show?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why experiment on animals with so many lawyers out there?
Windows 95 repair kit: A copy of OS/2 Warp.
Windows: Proof that Microsoft has a roomful of monkeys with keyboards.
World to end at 5:00pm. See it on the 11:00pm news.
Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
You are never alone with schizophrenia
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
You learn something new every day... If not, you're dead.
You think you have troubles? Even my sundial is slow.
You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take. 
Your call will be answered in the order it was ignored.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Youthful figure: What you get when asking a woman's age.
Hey! Stop pinging me to read my ping responses!!